the end

i know i've posted a few times today, but i mean, does it really mean anything? i'm not who i am here. i've been doing this thing for over a year now, but i want to be me. i think i'm going to cancel this blog. i think i'm starting over and leaving this all behind.

i'll still be blogging, but not as jack. jack will die and i'll be me. my name is not really jaclyn vibbard.

some of you might find me. maybe no one is even reading this at all.

but that's okay. because i think i've made up my mind. i think i just want to be me.

cubicle chatter

j: i'm thinking of having my libs reduced.
me: why? some people make a lot of money off their lips. i can think of at least one.
p: oh god, i don't even want to know.
me: i was thinking of angelina jolie, i don't know what you were thinking.
p: i was thinking of julia roberts.
j: her mouth is just really big.
me: i'm sure it's good for something.

WASL

standardized testing. my little brother is experiencing the true joy of mass educational stupidity.

standardized testing is a fancy way of saying IQ test so the state can send back letters to parents telling them their child is retarded. or not. but most likely they are.

but just think of all the stupid kids who will now know they shouldn't even bother trying after they find out they're only in the fifty-percentile or less.

it's such a label they should just make a stamp out of it.

book smarts must be everything.

so smart

i wish i was infinitely more clever than i am. the truly smart and hip bloggers are all being plagerized these days and i'm feeling left out. if only i could be good enough to copy.

attach carbon paper to my brain and transfer it to yours, and perhaps we can both fake intelligence, but i can pretend i'm better merely because i thought of it "first".

so it's been a while

i've got a job. i work at verizon, that phone company place, for their sales division that does all the ad work for the phone books that go out all around this state. i'm "sales support", which basically means i do whatever the hell i'm told to do, and that's a lot. i'm actually at work right now. i have a nifty cubicle of my very own with a computer and a phone. i've got a little fishy in a bowl and a fountain in the corner. some plants. a few pictures of the smashing pumpkins... the usual cubicle stuff.

i love my job. i make ten bucks an hour and i'm starting to pull in a decent income now.

my car was taken by the repo man a few days before i started work, so i'm without car. i'm saving up my paychecks to buy a new one, flat out, so there won't be any more fucking car payments to make (or avoid). here's hoping that works out for me.

i'm still staying at my parents, and strangely enough, so is adam. i really don't want to go into the whole thing, but let's just say that adam's mom is the queen of all things evil, bitchy, manipulative and mentally disturbed and he's not living at her house anymore.

i told that bitch off, and let me tell you, it felt so fucking good. i didn't yell, or even raise my voice. i just told her what a stiff, unbending person she is and that she has too many stupid rules and that she doesn't know anything about her son or me. she can go get eaten by fucking cannibles for all i care. here's hoping that she get's in a horribly disfiguring car accident.

i haven't told adam's parents (or even his brother) where adam is and i've told him not to tell them either. with any luck they're feeling really awful because they don't know where he is.

his brother keeps trying to call me at my parents house, but i haven't talked to him or called him back. i really think he's calling because his mom wants him to find out from me, but i'm sure he wants to know where adam is too. unfortunately, i don't think i can tell his brother where he's at, because he'll tell their mom. she'll bend him and he'll snap. it's that simple. the woman is a machine of fear and manipulation and she's driving away the only people in the world that should stick by you through everything.

i mean, for christ's sake, they kicked him out of the house over an argument! can you believe that? just an argument. a normal, ever-family-has-them, argument. he didn't swear, or get violent, or yell, or anything. she just loves to blow things out of proportion so that she can be the innocent abused victim of her ungrateful children and justify her anger to everyone, especially herself. in truth, she's just a controlling, manipulative, vindictive bitch who is going to have no kids and no grandkids because her sons will move out and cut her off from their lives. and thank god.

here's to a bitch free life.

hate

have you ever hated yourself so intensely you wished to cause yourself harm? that even if you aren't really considering doing anything to hurt yourself, you wish you had the courage to take a knife and disfigure your own face? slice a chunk out your arm or thigh? has anyone ever felt that? have you ever wanted to smash your head through the mirror and destroy the image of yourself that you see there? not just what's in the physical image, but in the you that only you see? the true, deep, unfathomnable you that resides deep within your skin? the you who stores away the small, killing words thrown in an argument by someone you deeply love for all eternity, no matter how much you attempt to forgive and move on? the you that sees every flaw in personality and actions that you've ever had. the you that wishes to apologize to everyone around you for the things you've done in your past that hurt them now, years later? the you that we all hide from even ourselves so that we can get through the day? do you ever want to destroy that person so thoroughly that you can forget who you are and where you came from?

does it go away? can you forgive yourself and others well enough to completely let it go and never be plagued by the memories that haunt even your dreams? what can you do? do you just sit in the filth of your own self-disgust and rot slowly forever and ever, hiding that destroyed little you that lives deep inside? or can time heal these things? can you be whole again?

can "i hate you" be taken back? can you stop hating yourself? what do you do when memories of the things you've done in the past hurt more and more every time you think of them? what do you do when the only thing in the world you thought was perfect, despite its flaws, was shaken so deeply that you can't clear your mind of the pain? when all you can hear is those words? "i hate you." can it be taken back? shouldn't the emotional and physical proof of love fix it? will it fix it? it makes me hate myself even more.

women come from venus...

...supermen come from krypton.

just thought you should know.

i will fuck you up

so, last friday some old lady backs into my car and then calls the cops and i take off because the bank is looking for my car and now the cops have a warrant out for my arrest and i can't take care of it until tomorrow because the cop took off on friday and hasn't come back to work yet. then on saturday kyrryn and i got the flu and threw up all day. then on sunday i couldn't get back to the stupid shelter on time and then on monday i was so stressed out i forgot i was supposed to make dinner again and got back late, and then yesterday the stupid fat whore carol kicked adam and i out of the shelter for not making dinner.

i'm homeless again and i'm at my parents house, sans adam, and i've already got in a fight with my parents and i'm ready to go out and wreak havoc on the unsuspecting world, starting with carol olivia and scott whatever-the-fuck-his-last-name-is. if any psychos are reading this that happen to have sharpened axes on their laps at this moment, the address for where those people work is 2520 Cedar Street, Everett, Washington 98201. the phone number is 425.259.3624. i would like anyone with nothing better to do to call there and harass the shit out of scott and carol.

they are sick bastards and should be strapped to tables and tortured with wet sponges and electric generators. for long periods of time. or... forever.

if anyone gets in my way right now, i will fuck them up. so shut your fucking face and get out of my way, i'm taking the world down to hell with me.

long time no speak

but that's the way the cookie crumbles when you're life is spent in a type of prison. i have to keep certain hours. i have to do gay ass chores. i have to bare a variety of different sorts of bull shit, and frankly, it stinks. it smells like a nasty, fat, greasy porker chick with bad teeth, worse skin, and disgusting hygene habits. wait. maybe that's the boss, carol. yeah. carol is her name, and if i could find her picture i'd put it on here too. and her address.
she thinks she can treat everyone like shit. she thinks her shit doesn't stink. she's the fat, nasty poster child for "power corrupts". she can't control her nasty little daughter or any other part of her life, so she works at a shelter and controls adults and other people's kids.

fuck her. she needs the stupid fatkins diet and a bullet between her eyes. i wish i could chain that bitch to a poll out back and beat her with a fucking bat.

okay. i don't really feel better, but at least you can all hate her with me. or not.

a little news

in jack's world today (and the past few days):

adam told kyrryn she can call him daddy if she wants. she's a little confused as to what all this means, but i was touched. deeply.

adam's removed wisdom tooth is no longer painful. however, his mostly-missing molar on the upper right side of his mouth has cracked even more, is now turning gray, and is infected. he's on more hydrocodone (vicadin (sp?)) and penicilin to kill the infection. he is not having fun.

work still sucks, and i'm making less money than ever before.

my pantera/diamond darrel background is finally finished. i just need to add a song and lyrics. i've only got copies of vulgar display of power and far beyond driven and i think i'll be choosing a song from vulgar display of power. i've been diggin' that album lately, and the font i used is actually called that, even though it's not exactly like the cd cover. anyways, the music and lyrics should be up later tonight. i just can't upload them to my server from this computer.

one of my favorite web series has updated today after months of inactivity. go check out episodes 1 through 11 of ninjai: the little ninja. episode eleven is obviously the newest one. this cartoon is not for children, so don't be fooled by the cute main character and his friend, Little Bird.

so, ah, yeah. that's about it.